When we are in difficult conversations, it is easy to get defensive or critical. Our hackles go up, and we want to make sure we protect ourselves. It's primal. It's easier to see this in students, and often harder to see it in ourselves.

One way to short circuit this reaction is to start practicing asking, "What do I need?" and "What do they need?"

When someone is coming at us, "What do they need?" might point us to the fact that they need space, appreciation, comfort, to be heard, help, choice, etc. There's a great list of human needs on this NVC page. We can ask ourselves the same question. Is it that I'm needing a feeling of control, and the moment feels out of control?

I find it helpful to practice this with sticky moments that I perseverate over. It can help take the charge out of it and make it less personal.