Last week I had to have formal meetings with two fifth graders and the principal about their behavior towards another student. The lack of kindness they have been displaying towards this other student has made it really tempting to come down hard on them and punish for the pain they’ve caused. But I had to stop and ask myself, “What do I really want from whatever action I take?”

Is my goal to make those girls feel badly? Do I want them to continue the behavior in a more sneaky way? Or is my goal to help them develop some empathy and change their behavior? The decisions I made in that meeting— how I addressed them, what I asked of them—would look totally different depending on what my answer to that question was AND what I knew about the girls.

Knowing both of these young ladies had defensive and escalating tendencies, we began the meeting by telling them they weren’t in trouble, but we were making a plan to figure out how to support them in being strong, kind leaders in their class. You could hear the strain in the voice of one, and the eruption of giggles from the other, as indicators that they were wildly uncomfortable in this formal setting. But disarming them from the beginning, in the context of a serious principal-observed meeting, allowed them to engage in a conversation I had been unable to have with them in passing in the middle of PE or the two minutes at the end of class.

We engaged them in the process of naming behaviors that were unkind and those that were kind and mature, and then made a plan to have them demonstrate those behaviors. My sense was that everyone walked away feeling empowered for how the meetings went. But it took some careful, intentional moves to be heard by these ladies.

I invite you to consider one behavior pattern that you are witnessing that does not seem to be changing based on your responses. Then, reflect on the kid and on what you really want to have happen. The dividends will likely be worth it.